Day 6. The happiness, the sadness and the nausea

I’m almost a week into this no sugar thing, and it is actually going surprisingly well. I still crave things all the time, but it’s not unbearable. My regular food habits have changed very little, in fact. Sure, things get a little more boring with no sweetness in them, but it’s not in any way unbearable.

The happiness.

Interestingly enough, my raised food awareness has raised a general interest in taking care of myself. So I subscribed myself to a dance center. I had been longing back to dancing so much it hurt since I got a taste of it last fall, when I joined a jazz class for a month and then had to stop because my body was basically broken and not ready to be used (this may sound dramatic, but it was basically what happened). So when my roomie presented this combined dance studio/gym two blocks away from our apartment, I decided it was the perfect time to try it out. And as turned out, several of the classes were great and so today I signed up for three months of unlimited classes. I really, really, really hope I will use it well. Because even though my body feels something like a million years older now than the last time I danced for real, the whole thing still sucks me in the way it used to, and I genuinely think that dancing is just THAT thing that makes me happy.

Today, class particularly made me crave pasta so I went home to make… well, a pretty f-ing amazing pasta sauce.

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The sadness.

So overall, it’s going well. Which is why I am very surprised that, at the same time, I have felt some sort of continuous sadness and emptiness over the last couple of days. It is a completely abstract feeling, linked to nothing in particular. I realize that eating has been my immediate response to that feeling, probably my whole life, because it is the very first thing that comes into mind when the feeling kicks in a little stronger. I really have to stop and question myself what that ice cream I start craving, would bring to me, what it REALLY would help – and naturally come to the conclusion that it will do absolutely nothing for me – in order to be able to let it go. Interestingly enough, it is actually quite possible to block cravings that way. Somehow, reason has gotten a stronger position since I decided that impulse wasn’t an option. But I’m still puzzled about these feelings, and I can’t help but think about something that two different persons told me at different times (a shaman and an acupuncture therapist): that my two years of back problems are the result of two years of stuffed and suffocated emotions. Without making this sound more terrible than it is, yes, the last couple of years have been rather tough on me with my thesis, family sickness, rootlessness due to constantly moving between places and homes, and all the other ordinary stuff that comes along in life. And it is true that I haven’t allowed myself to feel all that. Because I haven’t been in a position to change anything about it. It has been one of the few periods in my life where I have let rationality suffocate emotion. And these two people, without knowing of each other, or really anything about me, tell me the same thing. Which makes me wonder, if unleashing the bodily pain in my back due to dancing, might also have started to unleash some of that other pain that I worked so hard to set aside. You are most welcome to call me mixed-up and confused, but it kind of makes some sense to me.

Yesterday I made this more creamy and comfort-y dinner: coconut cauliflower rice and fish.

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The nausea.

On top of these two emotional contradictions, I’ve also gone through something like 3 complete days of never-ending nausea. I realize that you all think by now that I am pregnant.  I might have suspected it, too, if it weren’t for the fact that I just started taking contraceptives again. Which might also be one – very – important reason for both the happiness and the sadness, as you are probably also thinking. In the end, who knows what goes on inside our skin? As a friend of mine, who studies to be a doctor, said: it is actually absurd that we don’t get to learn more about our insides. We think we know ourselves so well and really we don’t know half of what goes on in there. Which is true. And really, really scary. Either way, the last few days have implied some serious physically related changes; hormonally, as regards activities, as well as food-wise. What turns out to be the determining component here, is rather for the future to tell, but what is sure, is that this fake pregnancy has made me both picky and craving stuff. While I have been cooking quite a bit, I have also gotten to enjoy greek yoghurt with mango, oats, flaxseed and cinnamon (aka. cannot be bothered to make real granola at home) and Swedish rye crisp bread, at a few occasions.

Seriously, THANK GOD for crisp bread.

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The end.

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