Finding space.

So I semi-decided to start writing more frequently here again. Semi, because if there is one thing that I have learned about this blog-writing thing, and also about my life, is that you never know. So before I go about and promise too much, I’ll keep my promise to a “I’ll try”.

I remember how I used to see everything as a potential blog post. Seriously, I think writing is like that. Once you get into it, it consumes you. You observe things and there’s this narrating voice inside your head that tells you how to see it. That voice used to be there at all times, and I would stop at any ridiculous little thing and take notes. And as the days went by, I would connect dots. I would understand what all these little things were representing for me, what the bigger picture was. And suddenly a multitude of details would gain this whole new meaning, and it felt beautiful.

Well, that was a few years back. Basically, that was before I started studying again. I’m really starting to become convinced that studying is not only unhealthy for me because of the constant pressure and irregular schedule that it brings with it. I also think that it is draining me of creativity, and this is what I think I resent the most about it. I mean, I love learning, who doesn’t? But I can’t help but feeling that school learning is shutting out all non-school learning as it takes up all the other space in my life and in my mind. Connecting the dots and exploring how to express them was a whole learning process for me in itself. I felt like I developed and grew for every time that I tried, and I felt like that sort of semi-intelectual/philosophical and exploratory way of learning really inspired me to keep on wanting to learn.

I argued some 15 years back, that learning cannot be done in a vacuum. It’s all nice to take credit for your arguments, but in the end, it is all a product of what you perceive around you, the things and people that inspire you, provoke you, contradict you and ultimately force you to slowly modify your opinions. I ironically felt like I had made the greatest intelectual discovery back then, contradicting basically all contents of the argument itself, but even though I today don’t find that I had come up with anything unconventional or new, I still strongly believe that it is true. And my daily routine of now is becoming my personal case study to prove me right. The last few weeks I have spent horrifically little time outside the apartment, or actually even outside my bedroom. I find that there are so many less distractions if I don’t leave the bed and act like a normal citizen of a social world, so in times of stress I tend to just bake myself into a corner and only leave for bathroom breaks and food. And I’m realizing how terribly little I am thinking, lately. Nothing makes me think about anything but my study and I actually think I am starting to get a little slower. Like it hurts a little to take a stand. I’ve locked myself into a bubble and here the sameness of everything stops provoking inspiration.

I know I’m almost done. So I let myself be bored for necessity. But I am also thinking that even the most locked in person might deserve a breathing space, a little somewhere or something that gets them going. Like this blog-diary-thing is for me.

So I will try to make some room for that. I’m guessing there is no need for miracles and rock science when ultimately the goal is to post my everyday thoughts on this humble blog. Maybe, if I let myself go wild on boring topics and nonsense talk, at some point I will get back to finding the bigger picture. Maybe writing is practice, not to refine yourself, but to become the writing itself, to have it be an integral part of your mind. To let the world surrounding you become the words and images that you decide to assign it. “I’ll try” to figure that out, starting now.

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