This is not a good comeback. I have once again gone through one of those phases where thoughts only blur into incomprehensible sentences and make beautiful imagery into heavy, ugly formulations. It is fascinating how words sometimes seem to be a necessity for survival, and sometimes like complete communication barrier. Well, I promised myself I would get back on my literary feet before I left Costa Rica, but it turned out to be impossible. And no, this is not a good comeback.
For those disappointed that this post is not about the amazing trip that I made with my Austrian parents – fear not! There will be photos, there will be stories. But tonight, I need to get this closure before I dance in a year that I hope will be vastly different from this one. Yes, I am rather done with 2015. Despite all the beauty it has brought to me, it has NOT been my year.
The truth is that I have written this post at least five times before. Erased it and started over again. Erased it once again, and so on and so forth. In fact, I am pretty goddamn mad at myself for having to be so cliché and write this year summary/ good bye post at all. I mean, I love blogging like few other things, it is just so open and relaxed. I usually write it all in the notepad in my iPhone and THAT’S OK, no one will judge. But goodbyes are better in handwriting, where you can scratch the pen real hard against the paper, let the paper FEEL the frustration, the random tear drops smearing words that anyways don’t really matter because they will not even begin to cover how you actually feel. Well, I haven’t gone that far since I was 15 maybe, but at the same time I bet some 80% of the people I know will not be able to understand the meaning of that I am not saying goodbye to an internship or an exchange or whatever program name you would like to call it. I might have gone to Costa Rica on those terms but I definitely left on others. Over the last months I haven’t even thought about going home. Because I’ve already been home. And now I am moving on. Again.
So. It is the 31st of December and I haven’t written for ages but I will do a New Years’ summary of my 2015 lessons even though I have no conclusions and my clumsy words will make beautiful imagery ugly and it is not a good comeback. But never mind that, I think I really need to give myself this closure. Trial number – 6? As I wrote this part the first time I established that my Costa Rican life would end in “64 terrifying hours. And counting. Literally.”. Then they were 40. And I refused to keep count. And now here I sit in a Starbucks on Reforma, the noise of people testing the sound system for the concert that will take place here on the Avenue tonight. Pow-pow-pow, uno dos y tres, testing testing. People chatting both near and far. The endless stream of people passing by the fence on the street. The lady who forgot to take out her fringe curler. The seven-days late Santa wobbling down the street in a manner that tells of some historial of spirits. The Mexican hipsters that I have been going on and on and on about. And an entire army of cops (it actually feels more like an army than cops), some heavily armed, and all in full armor, but all smiling and joyfully wishing you a happy new year. Last chance to say goodbye to 2015, and more importantly, to my not-so-long-but-yet-pretty-intense-Costa-Rican-life. Or something. So:
THIS YEAR HAS BEEN ONE BIG STOP AT A CROSSROADS. That’s right, in capital letters, because I can’t emphasize enough how much it has been just that. This year has been all about deciding where to go on to, it has been the last guided and structured time before throwing myself out there and getting myself a life. And in that sense, it has been all about trying to visualize what I want for myself, not only next year, but at a longer term as well. Looking back on this year, I think I half unconsciously started to create two parallel lives, stepped onto both roads simultaneously if you will. As I have been finishing my masters in Costa Rica, I have had to realize that staying on was not an option for now. Partly because I just couldn’t keep on struggling with Immigration any longer, but maybe even more because it was time to move to Mexico. I really cannot describe it better than that. There is not much logic to my moving here, but it had to be done, and I think I knew that pretty early on. And lets face it, in the last two years I have come back here some 7 times, or maybe even more. Flying here has felt about as natural as taking the bus somewhere. And coming here has felt more and more like coming home. But I also know that it hasn’t been a fair comparison. I painfully have to admit that I pretty early knew – somewhere in my subconscious – that these two walks have not been made with the same purpose. Because while one of these paths has been tricky, uphills and God knows that I at times I have struggled v-e-r-y determinately to not give in, I think some of the persistence lay in that I was walking to get to road’s end. The other path at the crossroads I have only just started to step onto, and in way it has rather been like cheating: sneaking down the first yards, picking up things that do not yet belong to you, getting a glimpse of something that might be yours but then again might not. The first touch of the soil to see how it matches your soles, looking, tiptoeing, sniffing, but not yet fully walking. The contrasts have been huge, and also very unfair. Walking is always rougher than tiptoeing.
This year turned out quite differently than the last one, and also from what I had expected. It hasn’t been an easy year, I would lie if I would try to uphold some sort of glorified picture of how my days, weeks and months have passed by. All in all I have had some amazing experiences throughout the year: I have traveled like never before, I have met new and old friends from allover the world. I have positioned myself politically and started to understand better why I have certain beliefs and others not. I have learned to throw myself into spontaneous situations, grow out of some social awkwardness and just be myself with others. You gain nothing from having people like you for someone that’s not really you, it is just exhausting. I truly, truly regret having neglected everything and everyone not directly related to my studies. Life needs a few random moments, and this year I have really only ever allowed myself that break when in Mexico, and I am really sad that I couldn’t give Costa Rica that chance this second half of my life there. But then again, the memories of this year don’t influence how I see the life I had in Costa Rica. You don’t write 7 blog posts about all the different ways a country makes you feel at home, if you don’t really, really mean it. And I really, really meant it. So all in all, I can’t do more than recognize that I made this year into a contradictory one, at times more challenging than necessary, perhaps, and at the same time the beginning of a journey that I somehow think I have prepared myself for mentally, if not subconsciously, for some five years now. Which is why I am completely confused at this stage, and I can’t decide if I am more crushed over having left or overly excited over having come here. People ask me why I chose Mexico and the only thing that I can think of is that it is my place, and when I hear myself say it, I know that nothing is more true. But I also know that I have found a home in Costa Rica, that has let me become more secure within and helped me stop searching frantically for my “true life”. And so I am not afraid of leaving Costa Rica because I know that this is not the last that it will see of me. I am finally starting to understand wholly that living in Latin America doesn’t have to be a fake reality built on teenage dreams of adventure. I have found an actual place here, a role and relationships that are as real as anything else. This is where I live now, right now. It doesn’t mean at all that I am cutting myself off from any other part that has been home to me, or that still is, but everything has its time, and right now this is where I need to be.
But most importantly I have learned that it is not WHAT YOU DO that defines if a year has been good or not, it is how you perceive it. What makes me conclude that 2015 was not my year is only based on that I haven’t been able to fully appreciate what I have done. So tonight I will not wish for a more exciting 2016, I won’t wish for more travels, more adventures. I will wish for better capacity to appreciate the wonderful life that I am leading. For some stability and peace and time to look around me. I’ll wish that I will be less tired and more motivated. Yes, I am definitely done with 2015. So I will go out on Reforma tonight and dance in the New Year and happily know that the sweat of 2015 has brought me here with every possibility open before me. But more importantly, it has brought a better understanding TO me, of what fulfilling dreams means. And so 2016 will not be about the tangible things, it will be about how I will approach them. Happy NEW Year and possibilities of the unknown!