I threw myself in the pool today. 2 am and it felt like liberty. It felt like the first time I allowed myself to breathe in a months time, just let go of reality, of the heavy, thickness of what life really is. Right now at least.
This semester has been out of control. It’s not even that it has been thaaaat charged with school work (although, yes it kind of has), it’s just that everything’s happened at once and at some point it got overwhelming and very much so. I’ve been struggling with what has seemed like an impossible task as regards my thesis, while everyone else in my class seems to just have been moving on smoothly. I am now finally getting to a point where I might know what I want to do, but the changes have left me way behind and my tutor’s attitude hasn’t exactly helped me feel like I can pull this off.
So basically, I had a minor burn-out a few weeks back. A crazy, hysterical attack, and I thought I was going to go crazy. I woke up sick and had to go to the hospital and the doctor gave me sleeping pills since I hadn’t slept well in weeks because of the stress. I took the pills for five days, had two days off (in which I really tried to study the whole day, unsuccessfully, but still, I don’t think these days served their true purpose really), and then slowly I’ve been coming back to normal. Meaning, back to studying at every free hour that I have. Bringing my lunch to the desk (“sad desk lunch” as a colleague of mine said once, still cracks me up because it’s so true) so I can study during my 30 minute lunch break. Going to Starbucks at 8:30 after having inhaled dinner and then staying 2 hours after closing, coming home about 1 am. If I’m lucky I manage to study another hour at home. Waking up 5 hours later, having Red Bull for breakfast on the way to the office (which by the way is the grossest thing you can ever have, do not EVER get to that point) and topping up with coffee so that at least you can get through your working day.
No, this is no sustainable lifestyle. And I am not good with stress. But most of all I am just so tired, and I am so sick of life just ticking on like this. My days are running away from me because I am no longer aware of what I do. All I think about is time and how much of it that I can save in a day. It has become an obsession, and also a necessity. Money can go screw itself because I measure value in study-time units now. Working out: 5 units, for the effort and then the shower. Making coffee: half a unit (actually one but then the coffee itself is compensation). Having dinner: 2 units if not done while studying and 1 if I study while I eat. Hopefully there’s a tupperware to heat up. Otherwise it’ll have to be out, cause the 5 units for cooking are just out of the question. Emptying my head on Facebook: 1 unit. Looking for job ideas for next year, maybe 2 units, and then another one for the stress that follows. Being sad: one unit and then another for recovery. No matter how pressing it might be. And the sad thing is that it’s not even made up, it has come to a point where it is quite rational to think that way. Every hour that I waste during the day makes the difference between getting to sleep at one, or two in the morning. When people tell me descansa (meaning, have a rest, but people will say that as a way of ”hope you’ll have a good afternoon”) I want to scream. I don’t even remember how that feels anymore. I see people having coffee and I wonder where their computers are and why they are talking to themselves. I see people walking in the streets and I get annoyed by their laziness. I spend my nights in Subways studying while watching drunk people order too much food and I can’t even remember what that feels like.
And it has made me come to a conclusion. I am not living right now. My body might be functioning but I don’t recognize this as life.These last few days have really been a wake-up call for me. There are just so many things that have happened that I don’t even know where to begin. But all of a sudden I have gotten to live very closely to death at several occasions, people have questioned things about my life that I have simply taken for granted, my house almost burned down and in general my whole surroundings are just withering to pieces and there is no stability in anything around me. And in the middle of that I am having a true crisis. But. All these things, all the turbulence and sorrow and hysteria and I don’t even know what anymore, they have forced me to start questioning myself and my choices. What the hell am I doing this for? Why am I letting myself live like this, why don’t I say no from the beginning, and why don’t I say no when I know that enough is enough and that a while back?
A friend of mine said that I have to live for now, and most of all that I need to be aware of why I live like I do in the now. It seems so easy. It really IS so easy if you think about it. It does not make any sense to do something just because. And yet, at least I, tend to do that a lot in my life, it seems. There are many things that I know why I do here. But I am really reaching a point where I don’t understand my role anymore. I don’t know where I am getting with this. And this is where I am truly starting to doubt its meaning. Because in the end, aren’t we doing what we do because it is our conviction that it will bring us happiness of some sort at some point? Right now I have no idea where this will take me.
I wrote something like a year ago that if I would die now I wouldn’t be too sad because I was living so much. I was traveling, learning Spanish, seeing the world and exploring myself. For once I had found a place where I was calm and where I could just be, and enjoy what I had. I feel high on life and rich in experiences and generally like my life was just a little better than I had ever expected it to be. I don’t feel that way anymore. Right now I feel like I am wasting my time so much on this part of my life that I NEED to get something out of it, I need to feel like it was worthwhile. Don’t get me wrong, I am enjoying learning this, it’s changing me and to the better I think. But no theory is worth not living for if you can’t put it into action afterwards. I still haven’t figured out what my contribution will be. And so until then this time that i have not lived, is just borrowed, not invested. Life is in debt with me for these years and right now all I can think of is how to get through this so that I can claim my share of life back.
It´s Friday, or so they say. Friday doesn´t normally have any meaning to me, it´s just another day in the week. But as I was writing my thesis it beat me, it´s the last Friday before this semester stops. It is in fact my last Friday before any academic holiday, probably in my life, so better make use of that. So I emptied my bottle of mezcal and I threw myself into the pool, let the soft fresh water caress my body and just force those thoughts of defeat out of my head. I will not lose to this semester. But more than that, I will get through these coming days and then I will live. I will figure out why I am at this point, and what I am planning to do with it. Or at least I will come to terms with being where I am. Life is here and now, and although sometimes you have to give up today for tomorrow, you can´t change that. No matter how much you have to do tomorrow every experience sums up to your life and to what you have made out of your life. Now will never be more present and it is only up to us how much we want to use it. Presence is all we really have. It’s ironic how hard to be present in the presence, but I guess that’s just not the modern way of doing things anymore. Either way, this passage in my life is teaching me for real about what I do not want to do anymore. And in a few days I will figure out how. But looking outside the pattern that I have followed in slavery for more than a year now, has really helped me get some perspective. I’m not saying that the red bull and stress will kill me, but sometimes I believe that the stress actually will. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but with this pace there will be no old age. And I am not ready to die until I have started living again and gotten to just simply enjoy life. I feel like I deserve that.